Hi

These days I have been feeling really upset and this is unbearable. I have many to share, but no one around me that really give me some advice that could settle me down, that could solve my problems. I thought that everything would be great and definitely fine once I step into university but the reality is much different from my imagination, from what I think it should be.

 

There's one said that we should be grateful for everything we have, we should not feel upset or disappointed on it. Well, I tried to but this is really unacceptable. This is not what I want. I know, we never really got what we want but this is too hard for me, really. I wish someone would be here for really here for me, listening to all of my difficulties, wiping my tears for me and still cheering for me.

I do feel upset, I do feel angry, I am an ordinary human too. I tried to laugh, I cheer myself, I even eat more, but still, I am so trapped in this problem. I don't know how to set myself free.

This is so unbearable.

This is just not fair.

Why should I?

This is not what I choose..

From the very first time, I never think that something like this could happened in my life. Yes, maybe it is because I don't think. I'm too young. I think it would be just the same as high school. Still, I am wrong. I go to university everyday, I did everything, I've done what they told me to do, I even got the highest score, I've give my best, this is just not so me, I've never tried this hard ever since primary school. I tried to make my parents proud of me, show 'em that they choose the right one for me. The next term, I still do so. I tried to not let them worried about my projects, about how late I went to sleep every night. I tried to show them that I had so much fun, I'm grateful for what I have, for what I got, and I finally felt comfortable, I'm really thankful for being there, I thought that it must be my destiny to study and to graduate there. I even think about graduation, I ever said to myself that it is okay to graduate with only few students, that I had to keep giving my best even if there are only few students. But what is this? What did I do wrong? 

For the last few months, I finally started to think. I started to share my thoughts calmly.

And my parents did respect my thoughts.

Yea, I've just solve one problem, I think. I finally got to move my class to evening class. I need to socialize more, I think. And well, they agreed. Yes, those guys agreed. I've never been this happy.

And then, around a week ago, one of my classmate text me. He talked about his thought of resigning soon. Well, what the hell happened, I think. He even asked me, if I would stay or just resign -- like what they're going to do. I refused. I respect my parents' decision, I'm grateful for have been studying there. He insisted. And after a long discussion, he said that it would be okay if we moved to evening class. Then, okay. Everything has been solved. I've solved one more problem.

A few days ago, around 3-4 days ago, another classmate called me, in the morning. I didn't notice. Then I text him in the evening, and he replied late. I have knew what he was going to discuss with me. It's the same one again.

This time, I didn't solve it. And I think I've make it worse, for just letting it be. I got emotional. I got sadness, and I even feel upset this time. I don't feel thankful anymore. And for the first time, I think, what am I doing? why did I agree at first?

No one here, no one here to listen to me, there's no one here to calm me down.

I cried, again and again.

But still, there are no shoulders to cry on.

There is no one to blame.

and last, there will be just me, all alone. Yes, just me.