This is a journey from being an introvert girl to a bold lady.

When I was a kid, I was asked what would I want to be in life, and I said I want to be a Fashion Designer. I love drawing illustrations of dresses and clothing back then. But this hobby stopped right after I went to Junior High School. I didn't become a fashion designer. I was always in the top 3 rank in the class, at least until Junior High School, I was always the best. The subjects I love the most while I was in Junior High School are Biology and Chemistry. I've never been good in Math like seriously, since Junior High School. And then I was inspired by my Biology teacher, and decided to be a Doctor.

When I was in Senior High School, I still love Biology but no more Chemistry. Then I found out that I enjoyed learning English and Photoshop, and that to be a Doctor, you will need to master both Biology and Chemistry. I stopped dreaming of becoming a Doctor because of my bad grades in Chemistry subject, and because of my fear of seeing blood.

When I was graduating from Senior High School and going to register myself for University, I was hesitating about what to do in life.
Then again I found myself enjoyed blogging, sharing the story of my life hoping to inspire people, and I wanted to make a better blog interface by myself.
I decided to be a Web Programmer.
I went into University, with the dream of being a Web Programmer, I chose the Information Technology Major.
It was all about logical thinking and program coding. To be honest, programming stressed me out and didn't really suits me.

In my first year, I joined this Campus Organization called BEM, and I was in charge of the documentation and design.
I learnt to come out of my comfort zone and do stuffs that people didn't expect me to do. I realized that I am better at many things which I had never tried before, such as photography and graphic design. I learnt how to deal with the pressure of being part of a larger crowd and strive to work towards carving your own niche. I realized that despite what fears we have, no one cares if we are suck at something, but if we are good enough, everyone appreciate the talent.

In my second year, my friends from the same class with me suddenly transferred to another University and left me alone. Yes, I was and still am the only IT major student from the Intake 2014 in my University (you may call me a solo warrior). I improved my graphic design skills, and I also learnt dealing with the loneliness. I met this amazing guy, who ended up to be my boyfriend now and also my best friend.

In my third year, I found out about scholarship in University and I regretted that I was too late to join the scholarship. I learnt not to breakdown under constant pressure from every direction. I learnt how to keep up grades and along with non-curricular learning to achieve personal goals. And I learnt that not everything will result as how you expect what it would be.

An introvert girl in first year turned into a highly confident all rounder (I am still introvert around new people I just meet, but no one believes that), from a pampered kid to a self-dependent student, and from just a face in the crowd, well, into a brighter face in the crowd. The only thing that keeps on wandering around my head is that I had the chance to help my parents with the University scholarship but I didn't. If only I knew earlier, I should have be able to minimize my parent's burden.

I am now still in my third year, on my last semester, I'm going to do the final year project and graduate soon. The skill I have been improving since my second year, is currently what I do for my daily life, and I'm loving it. Well, nothing is better than doing the job you love, isn't it?

x, Cinthy.

The greatest gift I ever had, it came from God, and I call him Dad.

If you are given a wish by God, what will you ask for?

I'm a girl full of regrets. I got jealous of father and daughter relationship which are more like best friends. I regretted of not getting close to my dad ever since I was a little girl. Well, my dad is still fully healthy, but it is too awkward for me to get close to him now. My dad, I could say that he is a type of man who never really shows his expressions. He never even once told us (his children) that he loves us, but I know he does. At some point, he could just spoils us, whatever we ask for, as long as it was affordable, he would have buy it for us. At some point, we could ask for his food and he would give us whole. He may never said that he loves us, but I know that deep down inside his heart, he has this unconditional love for us. The same thing goes for me. I still can't say that I am a good daughter yet. I still disappoint my parents, and I talk back to them sometimes. But deep inside, I really care and love them even though I couldn't express my feeling. I hug my mom when I feel proud or happy or thankful to her, but never even once had I hug my dad. I think that I am too grown up to hug my dad now. The best memory I had with my dad, was the moment when I got to hold my dad's hand and when we act crazy inside the 3D Museum, although it was just for a while, for a picture to be taken.

My dad, to be described in detail, he is someone who literally knows how to style himself. Well, my mom did help him all the time but my dad is cool enough to know the latest fashion trends. He got tattoos on his hands, his back and his leg. He got piercing on his left ear. He knows how to go for a pair of maroon loafers, and how much he should unbutton his white shirt and roll its sleeve up to look awesome. He knows when to shave, and had his haircut. He had a great sense of style for sure.

It saddens me whenever I think of how much my parents are aging. If I could have a wish granted, I would wish for a chance to go back to my childhood, to a time where I can still proudly hug my dad and tell him I love him. Well, this is a wish that is logically impossible to be granted, I know. The present is what's important now, and I need to show my dad how much I love him and care for him now. So I got an idea, to give him a surprise on this upcoming Father's Day (June 18th) and I look up into some Men's Clothing, then only I found Bonobos. My dad, being compared to me, he is an extrovert who's not afraid of heading out wearing bright colors. One of the collection from Bonobos which I think will fit my dad the most is this Men's Chinos, which offers various styles of pants with a full range of colors. It's a special way to show that my love for him is endless, that he is special to me.

Photos from Pinterest & Arhaus, Layout designed by Cinthy Kwok.

Hi

These days I have been feeling really upset and this is unbearable. I have many to share, but no one around me that really give me some advice that could settle me down, that could solve my problems. I thought that everything would be great and definitely fine once I step into university but the reality is much different from my imagination, from what I think it should be.

 

There's one said that we should be grateful for everything we have, we should not feel upset or disappointed on it. Well, I tried to but this is really unacceptable. This is not what I want. I know, we never really got what we want but this is too hard for me, really. I wish someone would be here for really here for me, listening to all of my difficulties, wiping my tears for me and still cheering for me.

I do feel upset, I do feel angry, I am an ordinary human too. I tried to laugh, I cheer myself, I even eat more, but still, I am so trapped in this problem. I don't know how to set myself free.

This is so unbearable.

This is just not fair.

Why should I?

This is not what I choose..

From the very first time, I never think that something like this could happened in my life. Yes, maybe it is because I don't think. I'm too young. I think it would be just the same as high school. Still, I am wrong. I go to university everyday, I did everything, I've done what they told me to do, I even got the highest score, I've give my best, this is just not so me, I've never tried this hard ever since primary school. I tried to make my parents proud of me, show 'em that they choose the right one for me. The next term, I still do so. I tried to not let them worried about my projects, about how late I went to sleep every night. I tried to show them that I had so much fun, I'm grateful for what I have, for what I got, and I finally felt comfortable, I'm really thankful for being there, I thought that it must be my destiny to study and to graduate there. I even think about graduation, I ever said to myself that it is okay to graduate with only few students, that I had to keep giving my best even if there are only few students. But what is this? What did I do wrong? 

For the last few months, I finally started to think. I started to share my thoughts calmly.

And my parents did respect my thoughts.

Yea, I've just solve one problem, I think. I finally got to move my class to evening class. I need to socialize more, I think. And well, they agreed. Yes, those guys agreed. I've never been this happy.

And then, around a week ago, one of my classmate text me. He talked about his thought of resigning soon. Well, what the hell happened, I think. He even asked me, if I would stay or just resign -- like what they're going to do. I refused. I respect my parents' decision, I'm grateful for have been studying there. He insisted. And after a long discussion, he said that it would be okay if we moved to evening class. Then, okay. Everything has been solved. I've solved one more problem.

A few days ago, around 3-4 days ago, another classmate called me, in the morning. I didn't notice. Then I text him in the evening, and he replied late. I have knew what he was going to discuss with me. It's the same one again.

This time, I didn't solve it. And I think I've make it worse, for just letting it be. I got emotional. I got sadness, and I even feel upset this time. I don't feel thankful anymore. And for the first time, I think, what am I doing? why did I agree at first?

No one here, no one here to listen to me, there's no one here to calm me down.

I cried, again and again.

But still, there are no shoulders to cry on.

There is no one to blame.

and last, there will be just me, all alone. Yes, just me.