Alive

Photographed by Melisa Kwok, Edited by Cinthy Kwok. Wearing: Unbranded white shirt / Unbranded high waist ruffle skirt / Unbranded white bag / Payless white sandal wedges

I am happy to be alive, and it's almost unbelievable that I am still alive. I have ever once tried to kill myself, when I was around 10 or 11. I forgot what it was about, but one thing for sure is that I was really depressed that time. So there's this bedroom of mine that has 2 floors which the second floor was made of plywood. It was around 2 to 3 meters above the floor, not that high. I laid a thin mattress on the floor, went up to 2nd floor and then jump down. Sounds like playing, I know, but it was hurt, I hurt my stomach but I was totally fine.

When I was 13, my dearly grandfather passed away. My grandfather was the only person who made me feel so loved, feel so lucky to be in this world. I was hit by the reality. I couldn't see him for one last time. I cried so hard, feeling so lost. I cried over and over again yet he didn't come back alive. I was too young to face the fact that my beloved grandfather has gone forever. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, I grew up, I got over my sadness and went to Senior High School. So far, Senior High School has seriously been the best part in my life. I had a lot of friends, though my rank was far than good, but I was satisfied. I laughed, I overcame my fear of talking to strangers, I got a lot of cakes and presents on my birthdays, I received so much love, at least that's what I thought I had.

On June 2014, I graduated from High School and by September 2014, I went to University. I met a lot of new friends, including the ones in my class and the same major with mine. I didn't have any boyfriend that time, but I'm relieved that I have friends. They are so kind to me, yet in the end I was left all alone along with my depression. The guys in my class transferred to another university and while I stayed. That was my greatest depression. I asked God why was I the one to feel this. I blamed God for not being fair to me. Then once again, I overcame it real fast since I was born introvert so I didn't mind being alone at all. I think I should thank my camera, for being there with me, helping me to get over my depression. That's how I started to learn and give more interest in photography and graphic design.

I bang my head into hard things at times, I hit and slapped myself, I pulled my own hair, I just didn't feel thankful sometimes. But now, I have learn to be more thankful to what I got and what I have. I am a lot more cheerful and bright than how I was before. I have a boyfriend who would act silly just to calm me down and cheer me up, who feels sorry for not doing well enough although in my opinion he did his best, who loves my crazy personality. He makes me feel grateful to earn his love, he spoils me best but hard on me sometimes, I am greatly thankful that I had him on my side. I am thankful for my family, especially my parents for their endless support. I am thankful for the food I eat everyday, and most of all I am thankful for being able to wake up and learn to create and explore something new everyday.

x, Cinthy.